JOKES

[lollipop]

I don't wanna read this thread any more...

[Goblin King]

Perhaps we should get some sort of a court ruling? A sort of pun-restraining order for a disturbing of the mental peace?

[Goblin King]

An oldie but fun D&D flowchart

[Darkness]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

One, but you have to throw it really hard.

[Darkness]

I might have posted this one before, but I just found it online again, and hey, I'm in this kind of mood...

How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.


I'm truly sorry. If it's any consolation at all, I am deeply ashamed of myself.

[Goblin King]

[lollipop]

[Goblin King]

;D

[Darkness]

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A rottweiler in a playground.

[Darkness]

Mum, Mum! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

[lollipop]

haha ;D

[Darkness]

Some mental health-related jokes...


I suffered from anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to him, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?' He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.
__________________________________________________

The difference between disappointment and depression is your level of commitment.
__________________________________________________

I have a very addictive personality. In fact, I just bought a book on addiction. I love it. I can't put it down.
__________________________________________________

Sometimes, I dress up like a white arctic bear and have sex with both men and women. I think I might be bi-polar.

[lollipop]

Lol. I like the last one.

[Goblin King]

Darkness, I will be blocking your account about ... now.

[Darkness]

Surely you wouldn't dare

[lollipop]

[Darkness]

LOL, I like that.

[Goblin King]

Poor Garfield.

[lollipop]

Tips for Evil Cult Members

* Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

* Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

* Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.

* Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other people who have undergone the procedure.

* Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

* Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this strongly enough.

* Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

* Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most nether worldly creatures.

* When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

* When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

* During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."

* Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good, hot bath.

* For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.

* Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, viola players, politicians, nightclub owners, or any other people who won't be missed.

[lollipop]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Goblin King]

;D ;D

Evil Cult Members:
I especially like the reference to flash cards and Citronella candles. I may have to copy this a slip it into our policy documents at work.

[Thrin]

Aug 20, 2008 20:35:21 GMT Darkness said:

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

One, but you have to throw it really hard.

It's so wrong that I laughed at that.

[Goblin King]

(Don't encourage her, Thrin!)

[Darkness]

A man walks into his psychiatrist's office covered head to toe in gold paint. He says "Doctor you've got to help me, I can't stop painting myself gold".

The psychiatrist looks him up and down and scratching his chin he says "I can clearly see that you have a gilt complex".

[Darkness]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.'

He turned to the third mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers John Thomas and Willy are waiting for us.''

[lollipop]

Thomas? I think I'm missing some slang there.

[Goblin King]

Never heard of "John Thomas"? Oh, Lollipop ...

[lollipop]

I've heard of johnnies/rubber johnnies, I thought that's what John was about. Never heard John Thomas. I deduce it's either northern slang or old people slang!

[Goblin King]

Old people slang, definitely, from a time when nothing was referred to directly.

[Count Überquart]

I know about John Thomas!
(But then, I am pretty old )