JOKES

[Goblin King]

[Thrin]

^Haha!!

[Goblin King]

;D

Very strange.

[Thrin]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample "

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open"

[lollipop]

Haha, I like the Foxtrot one, GK

[Goblin King]

jar - I love it - filthy but tame. ;D

[lollipop]

[Goblin King]

;D
That's sick! ;D

_

Tried to explain the Farscape gag to a friend the other day, but he'd never heard of Farscape either *sighs*

[lollipop]

Please pass this on to any woman you know who use Tesco’s



A new scam is being pulled on women mainly in broad daylight in Tesco’s car parks.



What happens is that when the intended victim goes back to her car to put her shopping in the boot, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windscreen….



While he is doing this, another 2 young, handsome athletic men open the back doors of the car, jump in and insist the woman drive off with them to some lonely spot, where 2 have their wicked way with her and the other steals her handbag….



They are very good at this…



They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.












I couldn't bloody find them on Sunday.

[lollipop]

On the Windows CD

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D

'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...."

[Goblin King]

;D to rule them all!

Well I think those men are being very practical, not wanting to get soapy suds on their clothes. ;D

[Goblin King]

Social and Economic Models Explained With Cows


SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a

debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get allfour cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.



CLINTONISM

You have two cows.

You honestly haven’t had sex with either of them.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

[lollipop]

Haha, isn't it sheep for NZ though?

[lollipop]

[Goblin King]

Silly

[Count Überquart]

[lollipop]

Oh noes!!!
;D

[Goblin King]

;D The perils of hugging. ;D

[Darkness]

I know this is an old one, but anyway... Is my favourite joke.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Goblin King]

Oh man, that's bad!

*exalts*

[lollipop]

[Goblin King]

;D I likes it!!

[Goblin King]

Visual gag (was going to post in Random Pics but here just as good)

Bomber kitty:

[Darkness]

tut tut, that's sick and wrong...!

[Darkness]

What do you call a fly when it's wings have been pulled off?

A walk.

(the old ones are the best).

[Goblin King]

ooh that's bad

[Darkness]

OK, what you do call a deer that's had it's eyes gouged out?

No idea. (No eye deer, geddit?!)

[Goblin King]

Nope.
No eye-deer.

[lollipop]

What do you call a deer with its eyes gouged out and its legs chopped off?

Still no idea.

[Darkness]

^^ I like ;D