JOKES

[Minotaur]

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''

[Minotaur]

What does Hannibal Lector say about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?
Mmm...pop-tarts

[Minotaur]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Minotaur]

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

[Goblin King]

Groan! ;D

[Minotaur]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Minotaur]

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They set in provisions on their ship, said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[Goblin King]

How can such long jokes be so bad!!!!

[Minotaur]

^^^^^^^^^^that is exactly what i thought and exactly why i posted them.

[Minotaur]

what would it take to reunite the beatles?

two more bullets.

[Minotaur]

did you hear about the blonde who tried to shoot an arrow into the air?

she missed.

[Minotaur]

One day, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, three rednecks met a genie in the usual rubbing-the-lamp fashion.
The genie told the three rednecks that she could turn them into whatever they desired. She said that they had to pick what they wanted to be, run off the cliff, say it in mid-air and they would become that.

So the first redneck started running, and as soon as he left the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Eagle!" and flew off.

The next redneck, wanting to be a little more advanced, ran off and shouted, ''Plane,'' and so he flew off.

The last redneck took off runinng, but tripped over a rock just before he left ground and said ''SHIT!''
And so he fell to the ground as a pile of shit, and that's where he is today.'

[Minotaur]

i apologise in advance.........



Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

[barnyjuno]

Ben Affleck goes to see his doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem; everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I become sexually aroused."


Er, PM me for the last line in this joke. It's very rude.

[Minotaur]

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out

[Minotaur]

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

[Minotaur]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

[Minotaur]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

[Minotaur]

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

[Minotaur]

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

[barnyjuno]

There was a fish eating competition in Scotland, tench I think, where one of the guys from Fife lost a tooth and so the competition. A Swedish man went on to win first place. He ate almost nine fish in the end. The Scottish guy, Hicks, was pretty gutted.

Headline: One tooth free for Fife's Hicks, Sven Ate Nine Tench.

[Minotaur]

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

[Goblin King]

Okay thats it!

You're both barred.

Go on ... clear off!

... and dont come back till you thought about what you've done!



;D ;D ;D

[Minotaur]

*saunters off in search of jokes to satiate goblin kings's humour*

;D

[Minotaur]

*saunters back in...GROAN*

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

[Goblin King]

Please, oh please, someone just kill me, please! Mercy, I say mercy! Is there no justice! I appeal you all! I'm on my my knees will somebody rid me of this turbulent wit!!!
;D

(must find some smileys for cheesy canned applause and laughter )

[Minotaur]

i was on the tube today and happened to be sitting on a newspaper that was on the seat when a guy opposite me came up to me and asked me if i was reading that newspaper. i looked at him and said yes i am, stood up, turned over a page and sat back down again.

[Goblin King]

;D
That makes you like a cat - cats read through their bums. ;D

[TangleElftree]

ok, it's rude...so sensitive people bugger off...hehe... but my mum printed it out for me at work, lol, and it's very long btw...
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
during the past year i have tried to make love to you 365 times. i have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of every 10 days, the following is a list of the reasons why:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you werent in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

of the 36 times i did succeed the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me theres a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times i had to wake you and tell you i finished
1 time i was afraid i had hurt you because i felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
i think you have things a little confused. here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did.
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didnt cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramp in your toes
29 times you have to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching tv

of the times we did get together:
the reason i laid still was because you missed and was screwing the sheets.
i wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling, what i said was 'would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'
the time you felt me move was because you farted and i was trying to breathe

[barnyjuno]

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems.

He's suing them for funfair dismissal.