JOKES

[Goblin King]

Smart Pills - Doh! ;D
Crustaceans ... big groan (took me a moment )

septic squirrel! Very silly.
Stamping on burning ducks! (has Schmer seen this?)

Nice one guys. THis thread really brightened up my evening.

[Minotaur]

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.''
And at that instant…the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''

[Minotaur]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''

[Minotaur]

What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
Bone appetit!

[Minotaur]

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet... erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader."
No one moves or makes a sound.

The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."

The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader."

Nothing happens.

"We mean no harm, we have come in peace."

Again nothing happens.

Growing impatient the First Mate says: "If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination!"

When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THAT'S IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"

Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser.

"Omigod! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like it's been cut off neatly," the first one says.

"Yeah, but why? They'd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder.

And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"

[Minotaur]

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"

[Goblin King]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
(thanks for that

[Minotaur]

what do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?





an egg

[Goblin King]

^^^
This joke was a banneable offensive under the Goblin Code of Mirth and Mis-Conduct - section XIII, para B/vi as edictted by Parsnip TwigRoot XXVII of the Undersoil Council of the Second Age of the Fallen Moon and Pomegranit Seed. I hereby call into motion special powers invoked only once before at the Treaty of DarkBark in the shadow of the Maddening Phase of the Tri-estella-ecliptic Conjunction, Bi-Season of Yore. These, namely, are they bestowing of Marks upon the Accused (aforemention, identified by themselves, with horns above)

(i/a)The Mark of the Jokester-Terrible!

... I hereby call into session the Last Court of the Grumblekin Fairweather Scribes and Learned Goblinfolk who who judge, try and see fit that these marks are just punishment for said humourist.

That is all.

By Order of the Goblin King.
GK.

[Minotaur]

^^^^^now that was funny.

[Minotaur]

now this really made me laugh out loud at 4am, this was posted by two members of another forum

post 1 (male poster): does the monosynaptic myotatic reflex operate while the person is asleep?

response post (female poster):The short answer to your question is yes monosynaptic reflexes do work when you are asleep. Why not test it for your self on an unsuspecting sleeping member of your family or friend.

[barnyjuno]

Minotaur said:

now this really made me laugh out loud at 4am, this was posted by two members of another forum

post 1 (male poster): does the monosynaptic myotatic reflex operate while the person is asleep?

response post (female poster):The short answer to your question is yes monosynaptic reflexes do work when you are asleep. Why not test it for your self on an unsuspecting sleeping member of your family or friend.

Good idea. For added laughs, use this:

[barnyjuno]

A duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a stool and says to the barman "a pint of lager please mate".
The barman looks astonished. "You're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight is there?", says the duck
"But you can speak"
"Nothing up with your hearing either. Can I have that lager?"

Having got over the shock, the barman and the duck start chatting.

"So, what are you doing 'round here?", asks the barman.

"Oh, I'm working over the road at that building site, doing a bit of plastering. I'll be here fir about 6 weeks or so, so I'll be popping in most lunchtimes".

A couple of weeks later, the barman and the duck are chatting. It turns out that the barman knows someone who runs a circus, who's heard about the talking duck wants to offer him a job. The barman tells the duck about the offer.


"Hmm. A circus. Human thing isn't it?", said the duck.

"That's right."

"Clowns, lions, people doing trapese acts? All in a great big tent? That sort of thing?"

"You've got it".

"What does he need a plasterer for?"

[barnyjuno]

Q: What time does Tim Henman get up?
A: ten-ish.

[barnyjuno]

Something for you to work on, Minotaur...

www.idler.co.uk/html/library/unfinished.htm

[Goblin King]

I think my monosynaptic myotatic reflex just broke.

[Minotaur]

lol ;D ;D ;D. lucky enough my brother was out all night

chicken 1: for goodness sake just don't cross the road.
chicken 2: why ever not?
chicken 1: because you will never live it down

[Goblin King]

;D

Why did Darth Vader’s chicken cross the road?

To get to the Dark Side!


(I made that up – I’m sure I’m not the first and I wont be the last )

[Minotaur]

i went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance.
she pushed me over!

[Minotaur]

Did you hear about the leper poker game?

One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

[Minotaur]

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

[Minotaur]

sorry in advance, just thought it was funny....


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''

[Goblin King]

Minotaur said:

Did you hear about the leper poker game?

One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

;D ;D Terrible just terrible! ;D ;D

[Goblin King]

Minotaur said:

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

;D ;D ;D

[Minotaur]

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.
"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

[Minotaur]

Didja hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines!

[Minotaur]

What did the big black bucket say to the little white bucket?
''You're a little pail.''

[Minotaur]

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says to the other, "I bet I could gross you out right now" The other guy says, "No way you could gross me out, whatever you do I could top" So the first guy looks at the second guy and sticks his fingers down his throat and vomits all over the table. The second guy looks at him and says " Nice Try ", and pulls out a straw....

[Goblin King]

;D

[Minotaur]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."