JOKES

[Minotaur]

what did the rug say to the floor?

i've got you covered.

[Minotaur]

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?


Because the umpire called a foul.

[Minotaur]

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turnes to Bob and says, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Bob says, ''Don't worry—my brother does it all the time.'' So on they go, and — bam! — 85 mph through another red light!

Again Bob says, ''Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!'' Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, ''What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?''

Bob says, ''My brother may have been coming the other way!''

[Minotaur]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me

[Minotaur]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Minotaur]

Why did the two knives go to the dance together?

Because they both looked sharp!

[Minotaur]

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."

[tiggbaker4]

Take a flight to Dallas, hire a harley, head north to Oaklahoma, go west to Texas , pick up signs for it on interstate 35, change at Tulsa for route 66 and take the 2nd exit.



Thats the way to f**king Amarillo!

[Goblin King]

;D ;D ;D You guys! !!! ;D ;D ;D

[Minotaur]

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[Minotaur]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.

"I don't f-ing think so."

[Goblin King]

;D
Talking dogs
talking frogs ...

I bet you make it all up. ;D

[Minotaur]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

[Minotaur]

Why do bees hum?

Because they don't know the words

[Minotaur]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Minotaur]

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''

''What did he say?'' Bush asked.

''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.''

Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.

''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?''

Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.

''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''

''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.

''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''

''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''

''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.

''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

[Minotaur]

Did you hear the one about the rope?

Nah, I'll skip it!

[Minotaur]

What do you get when cross a joke with a motorcycle?

A Yamahahaha!

[Minotaur]

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, ''I'm sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.'' The man replies, ''No, it's not you, it's the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.''

[Minotaur]

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

[Goblin King]

(*falls off Yamahahaha laughing* ;D )

[Minotaur]

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.

[Minotaur]

So Gandhi always walked around with no shoes on so he had really rough feet.
He is also renowned for his hunger strikes that made him very skinny.
He was also a very spiritual man.
But due to his poor diet he had very bad breath.
So what does that make Gandhi?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

[Minotaur]

There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said, ''Man, it's getting hot in here!'' Then the second muffinlooked at the first muffin.

''Oh, my God! A talking muffin!''

[Minotaur]

What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky!

[Minotaur]

One day, a blonde was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...''''
Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun.

So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came.

The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde.

The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."

[Minotaur]

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[Minotaur]

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A nun falling down the stairs.

[Minotaur]

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station

[Minotaur]

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''