JOKES

[lollipop]

Got an email of supposed Letters to the Editor.

I particularly like the following ones:


The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain , a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

------------------------

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail


-------------------------

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

Tripod

[Thrin]

lollipop said:

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

Tripod

Aaaaahahahahahaha!! That's awesome!! ;D

[lollipop]

Tripod are excellent! They're the people who did that song. (I have one of their albums. They're hilarious!

[Count Überquart]

I love Tripod.

Where'd you get the album from?

[Goblin King]

ooh, those letter things are all rather dark. I approve!

[lollipop]

I can't remember.
My clues:
- I don't have a physical copy of it
- I'm sure I paid for it.

My summary:
iTunes.

[someone]

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They're both useless but it's fun to watch them fall down stairs.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame?
A. Because a Nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count

(sorry if these have already been done!)

[Goblin King]

;D ;D They're all suprisngly good! ;D

[lollipop]

[Count Überquart]

Hahahaha!

[Goblin King]

;D Very clever.

[lollipop]

[Goblin King]

;D

[lollipop]

Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

[Goblin King]

Poor Groog. ;D

[lollipop]

On the subject of cats, as we were....

[Goblin King]

[lollipop]

More cat strips

[Goblin King]

^ Yay for fun destruction. ;D

[Thrin]

What's a sheep tied to a lamp-post in the middle of Cardiff?

A Leisure Centre.

[lollipop]

Hehehe! ;D

[Thrin]

I swear I nearly wet myself when I heard that ;D

[Goblin King]

Why does it feel so right picking on the Welsh? ;D

[Goblin King]

[Goblin King]

*grin*

[lollipop]

Haha, my dad's a management consultanat.

[lollipop]

Warning: You may groan after this list.


>>
>>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
>>it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>>
>>
>>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
>>was a turtle disaster.
>>
>>
>>
>>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
>>said, "No, permanent."
>>
>>
>>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>>
>>
>>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
>>Volkswagen with no driver.
>>
>>
>>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
>>T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
>>hand."
>>
>>
>>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
>>'BestBefore End'
>>
>>
>>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
>>"No, just a watch."
>>
>>
>>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
>>said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
>>
>>
>>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>>
>>
>>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
>>"You've got cholera."
>>
>>
>>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>>name, it's P something T something R.
>>
>>
>>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
>>down.
>>
>>
>>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
>>went on and on.
>>
>>
>>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
>>work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>>
>>
>>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>>said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
>>for the custard."
>>
>>
>>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>>paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>>
>>
>>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
>>on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
>>anything."
>>
>>
>>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>>
>>
>>This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>>
>>
>>I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
>>first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>>
>>
>>I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
>>been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
>>say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
>>managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
>>asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>>
>>
>>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
>>cat in there.
>>
>>
>>I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
>>shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
>>counts.
>>
>>
>>I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I
>>said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>>
>>
>>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
>>Thursdays."
>>
>>
>>I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
>>Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
>>He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Goblin King]

I've read about four and have decided that Lollipop must be very unwell ...

[lollipop]

I read them and thought of you ;D


... That's bad, dude.

[Goblin King]

There's a guy at my project who takes ages telling jokes in a really serious voice and it always ends in a really bad pun.

I've started sending him outside. ;D